The mono-myth of male angst lingers But it didn't help me out As a teenager it seemed the only thing worth writing about All else is shallow or solved And, seeing her, I keep falling apart On Guardian soulmates to try But the torch is still held in my hands If I could just get it together I would If I could treat you a bit better I would I'm sorry I sleep in my clothes And I can't care and I should If I could clink two coins together I would I'm losing my job but can just get one drink I could get an act together But you're too kind for this thing Scouring the coffers for coins To go on a date with someone else I booked this thing hopefully While the torch still burns into my hands And now I'm sinking quite low As low as I could go, over her This guy that she's going to meet is now more a monster than monsieur

I’m a ne’r do well But the best things in life are free Only time will tell If we make it in this city We can window shop in Fortnum’s for jams and cheese It’s more our real life Than the bedsit we’re never in If I slid and fell Would you stand up for me? And if I’m doing well Would you come out with me? If my hat looked naff Would you stand up to me? For my benefit It was put in my wardrobe by my enemies You’re like a flaneur And the best things in life are slow You can window shop for dinosaur bones Since Handel’s chorus All those famous pictures are free It feels more like our home Than the shower box and mug tree Hail to Karen and her chords that rhyme Hail to Ben who didn't push and made you time You'll read about it Hail Manhattan and to immigrants Hail to Muslims who've been brilliant Don't forget about it

My granny liked Rodney I know from her poems All of them scan the same. Most are love to me A pedalo to Lulworth Cove She was sick on his coat "To match my face to a picture?" I think it would burn hard The pain that never ends Let us down well Pestering and abuse vs rejection hell Men get the better deal if it was judged by that alone She's dancing Enchanting Cycling cider friends Knitted him a tie Literally his girl next door "I think you were fond?" she doubts Attempted kiss at the front door and out The friendship was no more, but what was right Men get the better deal if it is judged by what you win She was dancing Long before me

Half the Way Home With a lamppost holding me I am alone After drinking heavily The boatrace today Was a win for partying And all of the drones Are feeling unsavoury Tobasco Worcester sauce A raw egg Salt Cold vodka Down in one chaps

Out in deep space, or at sea Firing my guns That's what's bothering me I can combine with my team We fight monsters But is the monster me? I'm having a change of heart This must be a change of heart Yes this is a change of heart! The right of all sentient things I'm overloading I'm over my programming No more "enforcing" I'm an autonomous thing No more scout walking So long to my ultra fast mode No war endorsing I'm an autonomous being I can transform to a car I can slingshot around any star I'm as mighty as a whale But I'm lonely Chasing my own tail

If I could make another big din A sideways out And if I could win I’d fall In awe Of golden If I could fight another big thing A sideways out And if I could sin I’d fall In awe Of golden If I "cold doored" Anything in her was in The top floor pudding was never not ringed And all… It’s as you might say As you might say As you knights say So long over board

Yes we do respect you! Not listening is the cardinal sin F.L.M. seemed mystic The title track! A big thing! Songs associate with experience Spaghetti hoops upon toast My Mum’s friend’s English sheepdog System Addict, while hearing of E.T. near the B.I.C. The brightest young women are… Showin’ out the new culture You’ll be fine, don’t worry And I hope you are... Tay tay tay You’re too full of life to not stay George Michael seemed naughty And Now 5 did entice me Songs associate with experience Donkey Kong and Hourglass A free toy Scelidosaurus It’s ‘87… Transformers, body warmers… The brightest young women are Showin’ out the new culture You’ll be fine, don’t worry And I hope you are... Tay tay tay You’ll always shine on and make my day

A large world of wonders, in one closet shut What other professor than nature is met? John Hunter’s collection The Evelyn tables Moved to South Ken from the Barber surgeons Every tool has two ends working - One on the man and one on the specimen Ga coffins in Ghana Expaptation Ellis Inhalor Chris Curry versus Clive Sinclair, at the Baron of Beef Bairstow was too perfectionist to publish Stuck in a diving suit, he walked up Knightsbridge to seek help Polite and moustached Filing string too small to use Peter Purves survived a fall into the stripping tank when drunk Then lead the Tetrapod Club to the Goat pub Peter Whitehead was full of fish bile, but seduced each and every girl Breakfast from beyond Oxford, in first class Took his brother to court for the Lordship and wrote a satire on the corporate masters Discovered a lost Mozart score Disappeared to die in Mexico with a beautiful girl Heron Alan the violin maker and flowery novelist Persian linguist Keeper of the cursed, baleful amethyst Alan Hart’s cast of the Koh-i-Noor Never throw a thing away Digging the guru of the bones out of Lincoln’s Inn fray Towers of NHM are the furthest reaches of Gormenghast You could go mad Lankester Like the man on the Clapham omnibus Gavin de Beers - fleeing burning breakfasts, as they say A collapse of stout party, recorded by Richard Fortey Denis Tucker was fired for Nessie Anagram ploy I was into Touchstone and Magenta a lot (although they are cheesy) Ha ha thisaway, ha ha thataway,ha ha thisaway, my oh my! Victoria Coren... Harry Eastwood’s cakes...

Climbing the idol Kids love the gothic look too Dagenham Ideal Like Lion O of Staedel Collaboration across the thousand long years Climb into her brain and sit up in between her ears Oh sacred goddess, we are all your sons Christmas is coming And Barking now home Kids see raw meaning not models Would you turn a corner? Do you like good steaks? That's why you'd go visit Christina's All places soak up the ghosts of their past And future signs drawing us forward Kids get death early Collaboration goes on DaVinci co-designed Batman All things around us are God

Turning my throne to send you through the trap door... Drumming and axes advance… We've just returned from a wedding in France With heart-shaped, vegetable ash cheese The EU's largest stained-glass screen And psychic defences for me Back to white wine and seaweed dreams Girls Rock London row Fundraiser at the Seabright Arms This overdrive goes red or green Waitrose on Queensway Alaska's rough state of decay Come we…. Sabrina! and Dan and me! Sweeny and Scooby do It's through the looking glass for you It’s me, Sabrina, Dan and Karim A fondue restaurant Norwegian wood around the amps And IPA the new winner Fire, ice and water Gigging by Le Maison Horreur With Thomas Sherarton guitars We are a family Of quite hard drinking belle amis The overdrive goes red or green Clicking her heels to send you through the trap door... Deptford fun city To pick over the bones of structuring Come Sabrina and Dan and Karim Alice or oubliette We ain't seen nothing yet We are Trapdoor and we aint had our dinner References: * "Turning my throne to send you through the trap door" - This is a reference to the Castle Greyskull toy from the 80s, where turning the throne would open a trapdoor. Jabba the Hut's palace had a similar arrangement * The EU's largest stained-glass screen - We saw this in France, at a friend's wedding * White wine and seaweed - White wine used to be Trapdoor's drink of choice during early rehearsals. Dried seaweed was an unusual but delicious snack, sold in a local supermarket * Girls Rock London - An organisation to help girls get into bands * Queensway - A London road, near our first rehearsal rooms * Alaska - Another rehearsal room we used * Sweeny and Scooby do - Two characters associated with trapdoors * A fondue restaurant - Where we played our debut show * Fire, ice and water - A reference to a joke in Spinal Tap * Le Maison Horreur - Jethro Tull named a French recording trip this, after it went badly for them * Thomas Sherarton guitars - Thomas Sheraton was a furniture maker, whose workshop was next door to the venue of our debut gig. Sheraton is also the name of a model of guitar I once owned. I was silly to sell it. * The overdrive goes red or green - I use a Boss dual overdrive pedal a lot * Deptford fun city - Squeeze's first record label (and possibly the first ever indie label). Trapdoor rehearsed in Deptford for a while (as have many of my other bands) * Alice or oubliette - Two things that might be found through a trapdoor * "We aint had our dinner" - 70s cops The Sweeny would occasionally say this, to signify what a tough mood they were in